this could be the very moment, im aware im alive.

the greater good.

harry potter and the order of the phoenix = utter perfection.

talking about love is like dancing about architecture

but, thats not going to stop me from trying.

although, i've come to the conclusion that i'll never find love. never possess those feelings. those wants and desires. never truly understand.

i want to get out, to get away. from everything i know and everyone that knows me.

im in a constant state of wanting to start over. of wanting to get out. to get away. i don't know why im always trying to run. but, someday maybe it will stop. maybe I will stop. the world is circling around too fast. and i don't know how to make it stop.

not yet.

drink me.

i used to be able to drink a bottle of wine alone. now, it takes me and a friend...and even then i can't really hold it. geesh, when did i, courtney barber, become a lightweight?

i am truly, truly disappointed in myself.


ps - soon. i will write about recent male drama. as i am sure thats all that anyone wants to read about anyway...right?

make a plan to love me. please.

our house has acquired two new members, sid and nancy. precious lil' kittens who want nothing more than our love and attention and to crawl all over me and lick and nibble.
the girls (our pups) don't really know what to do with them. poppy seems to think its a great idea to lick them to death. every time i pick one of them up they are soaking wet from her lopping tongue. biggie is at odds with herself over these new members of the fam, part of her wants to play with them so bad, but the other part of her...the bitchy part wants nothing to do with them, and wants them to have nothing to do with me. its really funny to watch.

in otherr news, im in love with the new bright eyes song 'make a plan to love me.' what a great line. i wish someone would make a plan to love me. or even, make a plan to take me on a date.

i feel like within the next year my life is really going to change. but i feel like that every year...so maybe you shouldn't take me seriously.

i will miss your lips and everything attached to them.

about 6 months ago i made a decision that changed the course of my life as i know it.

i moved out of my amazing house. put all of my earthly belongings into storage. moved back in with my parents. slept on an airmatress in my sisters room and didn't really know what i was doing...
i had a plan. a big plan. i was moving to orlando. i was going to paul mitchell. i was going to finally "do" something with my life.

instead, i somehow ended up in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn. sharing a bed with my hetrosexual life partner and our two dogs. working two jobs and loving every minute of it.

snow came. winter had made its awful appearance and i wasn't too happy about that. i bundled up and awaited summer with bated breath.

february came and so did the U-Haul we packed up all of our belongings (mine mostly being clothing and makeup) packed our pups into our friend Jens car and headed out to the city of brotherly love, (otherwise known as Philadelphia).

i was unemployed for the first time in my life. this unemployment lasted two weeks. it was the most miserable two weeks of my entire life. i hunted and pecked my way through craigslist looking for that perfect job. i didn't find it. my job found me.

i became a "professional" food runner for a rather hoity toity restaurant known as Osteria. this basically meant i was a glorified servant. doing everything and anything that the chefs required of me. i was, as well, the only female that worked so closely with the kitchen. i started thanking my lucky stars that i grew up with many boys.

it snowed. and snowed. and snowed. and snowed. and snowed.

my friend bonnie reminded me daily "in like a lion, out like a lamb" i wasn't satisfied with this answer. i wanted sun. i longed for the sounds of summer. i loathed wet cold snow. and wind. and rain. and ice storms. i began to hate the sight of my coats and gloves. i became instantly angry when i pulled on my cute target beanie. i wanted to kill that cute pink target beanie. i wanted nothing more to do with winter.

finally, one fiiiiiine day, here came mr. sun in all his glory! out came the dresses and the short pants. out came the pig tails. i was in love, and his name was spring time!

philadelphia seems to be showing me alot more of what it has to offer....and im excited to find out. but i miss everything i once held near and dear to me. everything that was wonderfully familiar and comfortable to me.