i want free shit to not cost anything.

i was told 3 to 4 times this weekend that not only did i look like zelda fitzgerald but that i was the epitome of a 1920's girl, and i was born in the wrong decade.

go figure?

The Great Sleep

he watched the sunset behind her face
wishing that just for one moment
that smile could be his to own
he watched the sunset on his life and wished.
wished that it wouldn't all end so soon

fill my glass barkeep.
i'll be here for eternity.
i'll need a little spirit to get me through
and i'll need a little girl for me to pursue.
so fill my glass barkeep
im not ready for that great sleep.

she sat at his bedside and wept most bitterly
holding his face in her hands
they said 'you're wasting your time.'
one kiss and then im gone
but i'll never leave.

fill my glass barkeep
i'll be here for eternity
i'll need a little spirit to get my through
and I'll need a little girl for me to pursue
so, fill my glass barkeep
im not ready for that great sleep.

one can't say what one will do
when our time here on earth is through
but i'd like to think that our one soul splits in two
to fly away. to stay here with you.

so fill my glass barkeep
i'll be here for eternity
i'll need a little spirit to get my through
and I'll need a little girl for me to pursue
so, fill my glass barkeep
cause im just not ready for that great sleep.

-love like joni-

-love like Joni-

listening to Joni Mitchell late at night
talkin' bout dreams and fast cars
your eyes meet my lips in the dusk
and we giddily giggle into the oblivion of lust
stuffed bears and polaroid pictures
timelines of who we are, what we'll be.
listening to Court and Spark in the twilight

i'll never be the same again
never know another like you
i'll never be normal again
not now that i've found someone
someone exactly like you

woman was Gods second mistake
but man was His first
let's fuse together baby, for one big catastrophe
my eyes meet your soul
as we giggle through this event called love
cause -

i'll never be the same again
never know another like you
i'll never be normal again
not now that i've found someone
someone exactly like you

you bring me back to who i was
back to what i thought i lost
you're the only case i could ever drink
the only song i'll ever sing

i'll never be the same again
never know another like you
i'll never be normal again
not now that i've found someone
someone exactly like you
i've found you.

though you're so far away.

a final look. a final gasp of air and then nothing.
the silence is deafening at 3 am when she is awoken to the phone call.
the muffled sound of crying from 3000 miles away.
the empty feeling in her stomach.
the dead tear sockets that wouldn't fill up.
she sits up. she stares in the darkness.
she thinks, this is all a dream. these months are a dream.
the closed door of the other room where her best friend softly slumbers looks inviting.
she lays back down. only now realizing that she's been gripping her phone so hard she will surely have a bruise.
she gasps for air that won't come.
closes her eyes. and sleeps.

been travelin' on this road too long.

alone in her little room. sitting and staring at the wall.
she can feel the tears warm on her cheek
but she can't feel the life in her heart.

alone in her little world. sitting still and waiting.
she can see out of her plastic shell
but she can't reach out to touch them.

there is a tornado waiting to push through.
watch out for the girl when she explodes.

she rips through everyone around her
tearing apart their mind and body
reaching for something that she can feel
even if it means killing the ones she tries to love.

she rips through the pavement under her
tossing aside ladylike tendencies and class
reaching out for the one she can't touch
not touching him will mean the death of all of her.

there is a tornado waiting to push through
watch out for your girl when she explodes.

she cries herself to sleep as she lays alone in a bed too big
whispering hugs and clinging to pictures of pasts forgotten
alone in the world she built.

she cries as she touches his face for one last time.
whispering goodbyes and clinging to weathered palms of something she once knew
alone in the world he left her in.

there is a tornado waiting to push through
watch out for the girl
she's gonna explode

so glide away on soapy heels.

i am in love with coffee.
and waking up earlier than i have to so i can sit down and enjoy my cup of coffee.
although, i am also a fan of sleeping as long as i can.

i had the most amazingly awkward massage last night.
when i say it was a full body one, i mean, the man started poking my butt and i jumped almost out of the chair, and his response was: ticklish?
luckily i knew that i wasn't getting taken advantage of since a) i was in a room full of reclining chairs and my roommate steph was laying right next to me getting her butt poked too.

this place was amazing and only costs $15!! its like, ugh. AMAZING.

morning coffee.

i haven't showered in two days.
i dont call that lazy. i call that going green.
i am drinking instant coffee from my favorite california mug.
listening to a new musician called 'jude'
very, jason mraz meets elvis.
i have realized that saturday night live is like, warm milk for me.
normally, i can stay up till 3 in the morning. no problem.
i've always been a night owl.
but if SNL comes on, forget it. im dead asleep. which always upsets me, cause sometimes i want to see it.
like last night, steve martin hosted.
and jason mraz performed.
and i slept. only waking up when charlotte the hyperactive lab decided that licking my face was necessary.

i woke up to a phone call from jane.
waking up to a friends voice is the best feeling in the world.
when she's laughing and ready to have a quick chat.
it causes me to open my eyes and greet the day.
i sat outside in the sun, watched the dogs roll in the dirt
and listened to jane talk to me.
thats what feels right.
morning coffee's with jane.
we used to have those, every morning. in new york. in philly. and in florida.
now we've gone our seperate ways. and while i feel, its good for us.
i miss her more than i could ever miss any man, any lover or any other friend.
we've had some really hard times, but when someone is your family.
you forgive them their flaws. and you move on.
just as she did for me. more than i care to admit.

im still trying to figure out next steps in life.
still waiting on the job.
i've managed to last almost 2 months on the money i got here with.
im down to my last $50.
its scary. but it does prove how little i need to really survive.
which makes me happy.
i love the idea of money.
but i hate the reality of it.
i hate that i have bills to pay, and i want this shirt or that plate.
because i want it. not because i need it.
but, i revert back to being my very minimalist personality.
i DONT need or want that shirt. i have plenty.
i don't need a plate. i live with someone who has a ton of them.
but i do have to pay those bills.
ugh.