its always hard to realize that people will constantly let you down.
its even harder to accept that people have a very significant idea of who you are, in their head. and about 98% of the time, its so wrong you can't even explain to them how wrong they are.
last night i was attending a work christmas party and i was sitting around with these people that i have known and spent most of my time with for a year. someone asked me about my religious background. something that was so very prevalent for all of my life. and i suddenly realized, these people don't know one thing about me. not one thing. and that led me to the larger conclusion that there are about 2 people in this world who actually do know me, excluding my family. and that is more than likely my fault, yet at the same time...my peers never before asked me these questions. never asked me why i move around so much, why i have built up these walls, why i am the way i am. i do not blame them. i don't ask the hard questions either.
what i find to be so funny is how people believe that because you laugh, because you're loud, they know you. they know every little thing about you. they can joke and talk and say things. poking fun, being mean. but what they don't know are the situations that have caused you to become this way. that maybe these are your defenses. that maybe they don't need to be constantly pointed out.
i've spent a good portion of the last month being completely alone. and completely lonely. i have been forced to come to terms with the fact that the people that i considered to be my closest friends, are not. that these "friends" don't even really like me. its actually not that hard of a fact to face once you come to terms with it.
once you realize that you love yourself so much more than you could ever expect these "friends" to.
its actually quite liberating.
