Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
when i dream of my father, the dreams are always extremely vivid. i remember smells and feels and tastes. normal everyday things, but not something i normally wake up and still feel from a dream.
i have never had a good dream about my dad. not since he passed. its always been these strange dreams where he is just out of reach. or i have this gut feeling that its not actually him. in my dreams he's always two steps ahead and a little to the right, and i feel like i am always trying to catch up.
but last night was different. last night he was hugging me so tight. like he knew he would be gone for a long time and he pulled me close to him so i could smell his old spice mixed with instant coffee scent. and held me. he let me cry and cry and cry. and beg him not to go. all the while patting my back. telling me it was going to be ok.
we were in the house i grew up in. in that house, the front door was right next to my room. when anyone would leave i could hear them. in this dream. after i'd already said my goodbyes to him and gone into my bedroom. i smelled his coffee and heard him shut the door. i rushed outside. and he was walking down the street. i shouted out that i loved him and not to forget me. he looked at me for a long time. reached up his hand, in goodbye and told me "its going to be alright. its time to stop being sad now. and remember i'll always love you"
as for not being sad, i am a long way from that. as for feeling comforted. i finally do. because i can still remember his smell. i can still see his face and i can still feel his arms.
i have never had a good dream about my dad. not since he passed. its always been these strange dreams where he is just out of reach. or i have this gut feeling that its not actually him. in my dreams he's always two steps ahead and a little to the right, and i feel like i am always trying to catch up.
but last night was different. last night he was hugging me so tight. like he knew he would be gone for a long time and he pulled me close to him so i could smell his old spice mixed with instant coffee scent. and held me. he let me cry and cry and cry. and beg him not to go. all the while patting my back. telling me it was going to be ok.
we were in the house i grew up in. in that house, the front door was right next to my room. when anyone would leave i could hear them. in this dream. after i'd already said my goodbyes to him and gone into my bedroom. i smelled his coffee and heard him shut the door. i rushed outside. and he was walking down the street. i shouted out that i loved him and not to forget me. he looked at me for a long time. reached up his hand, in goodbye and told me "its going to be alright. its time to stop being sad now. and remember i'll always love you"
as for not being sad, i am a long way from that. as for feeling comforted. i finally do. because i can still remember his smell. i can still see his face and i can still feel his arms.
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