fix you.

as humans we are all prone to believe that the bad things in life will skip over us.
maybe because we are "good" people.
or because we believe in karma.
regardless of the underlying notions we have, bad things do happen.
cars get wrecked. people die. love is lost. tears are shed. you loose things you can't replace.
the worst part is trying to lead some sort of "life" for yourself.
a life thats not really your own because you left your own behind.
packed in boxes, and stuffed in bags.
hoping that no one would dig it up or dig it out.
but your new "life" is one you were enjoying.
until
your old life reared its ugly head and smaked you in the face.
reminding you that you left things behind.
i never thought of myself as selfish.
until recently.
i suppose in our own right, we are all selfish. to some extent.
we do things because they look or feel right.
we move away.
we smoke.
we drink.
we hurt people.
we put up walls.
we leave family.
we leave comfort.
to have adventures that don't really belong to us.
possibly to just have something to grasp. something to cling to.
some smidgen of something that seems real.
i long for something real.
its like im stuck under water, with one arm extended through the surface....
waiting....
waiting.....
waiting......
i've waited my whole life.
now i take shallow breaths.
im always near tears.
i give pretend smiles and fake laughs for the benefit of those around me.
but, the truth is,
i'll never be me again.
because the me in those boxes and bags has curled up deep inside me.
is laying in a hospital bed with needles and patches stuck to it.
is crying in an empty bed.
is a 14 year old girl who was forced to be an adult too soon.
is a brother who has to be a dad.
...is a girl who can't find a real home....